Some honest thoughts on success as an author
For the past few days I’ve been feeling pretty good about my writing. I’ve just finished my eleventh novel, and for once, I’m really, really pleased with it.
It was written out of contract and it was written with the door firmly closed - no input from anyone at all, no-one even knows what the story is about, and now it’s finished I honestly think it’s the best thing I’ve ever written.
I’ve written something that feels meaningful and true and I feel really proud of it.
And it’s made me feel really, really happy, in a way that none of my other - seemingly more solid, external book ‘news’ - has done. It’s made me feel more successful, too.
Right now, I feel successful as a writer because I think I’ve written the best book I’ve ever written.
BUT…
Before you start to think I’ve gone all big-headed and arrogant, I am aware of something quite terrifying.
This could all change at any point.
I sent the book to my agent last week. She didn’t know much about it beforehand, and we didn’t discuss the idea in much detail before I wrote it.
It was a book I wanted to write, just for me, after spending three years writing books under contract and not really loving the experience.
Some honest thoughts on writing under contract →
And the scary thing is, she could very well come back to me next week and tell me she doesn’t think the book works.
And then what happens to my lovely feeling of success?
This is something that’s been really playing on my mind over the past few days as I’ve enjoyed - for the first time in a long time - feeling like I’ve actually achieved something.
I’ve done what I set out to do - I’ve written a book that I’m pleased with!
But if my agent says she doesn’t like it, then what?
What happens to my feeling of success then?
I’ve come to realise that success is not an end-point. It’s not a finish line at a race. It’s something transient, that constantly moves.
After all, what is success as a writer anyway? I think it all depends on your stage of the game.
When you first start writing a book, you might find that your definition of success is to finish a first draft. Or perhaps to finish NaNoWriMo (I have a feeling that NaNo is not A Thing anymore, which is a bit sad because it was the first thing I committed to when I decided I wanted to write books, and I found it super motivating).
Then, once that’s done, your definition of success probably moves on to finding an agent to represent you.
Then once you’ve achieved that (not insignificant!) goal, you of course move on to wanting a book deal. Then some foreign rights deals. Then a bestseller. Then a film option etc etc etc..
There’s always another rung of the ladder to reach for.
Of course the goal posts always shift. I know I’ve talked about that before. But when it comes to success, if you fall down at any point on the ladder, does that take away from your original success right back at the start: finishing NaNoWriMo?
I think it’s really sad if it does.
Success is so nebulous, so transient, so subjective.
And when it comes to books there are so many points at which it can be taken away from you.
Did I feel successful when I first got an agent? Yes, I think I did.
Did I feel successful when, ten years later, I finally got a major book deal in the US? Yes, but I also felt… immense trepidation. Which is sad really. I had years of experience behind me, I had friends who’d had similar experiences and I knew that that book deal - while amazing - was also something fleeting, that could easily be taken away from me.
And it was. My US editor didn’t renew my contract.
I have come to realise that what is NOT fleeting is the sense that you have written something you are proud of, and you must, must, must hold onto that feeling for as long as possible.
I am writing this blog post in a panic, because at any moment now my agent might come back to me and tell me: no, she doesn’t think this book is any good, she doesn’t want to tarnish her name as an agent by sending it out.
Or if she does like it, then she might suggest a bunch of edits that I don’t agree with - and then I have to decide if I’m going to stick to my guns or do what she says and end up with a book that I feel slightly less proud of, that I know is slightly less authentic to my original vision… (I’m not suggesting that all edits feel like this - but sometimes they do).
And even if she loves it, I will have to go through the excruciating process of being on submission to publishers and waking up every day to be told that other people don’t get it. They don’t ‘see’ what I’m trying to show them, except it feels more brutal than that, doesn’t it? It feels like being told you’re no good.
Like many other writers, I see all the big book deal announcements on social media.
The debut writers with seven-figure pre-empts, their Instagram posts of deal announcements and champagne glasses and huge grins.
And I hope they feel successful in those moments. I really do!
But I also know that there will be other writers - writers who have had the same editor perhaps, who have been dropped by that very same editor after their book didn’t do well… and they will see those announcements and feel like even more of a failure.
Their success has vanished, and now they are ‘old news’.
And isn’t it worse, almost, to be a ‘has-been’? To be someone who ‘almost made it’? To be someone who feels as though they were given an amazing opportunity but that somehow, without realising, they squandered it?
I see the authors who have ‘made it’, too. They’ve had big books: Reese Witherspoon picks, films that actually get made, bestseller lists all over the world…
And I also see the desperation in their eyes, and the fear that it could all be taken away from them at any point.
And of course, it might be! I don’t know of any hugely successful author who hasn’t had some of their books perform more poorly than others. Their sales will ebb and flow - certain books will strike a chord with readers more than others.
Do they then feel like a failure when their new book doesn’t chart as highly, despite all their incredible achievements?
So, what IS the only true feeling of success as a writer?
I believe it’s writing a book you love. A book that you’re truly proud of.
A book that you know is the best artistic expression of your own creativity that you could have ever made. And that’s the feeling we must always try to cling to, in amongst all the turmoil of life as a published author.
Can I repeat my favourite mantra YET again? (feel free to roll your eyes at me. I know, I know 😆):
writing is its own reward.
You might also like:
